GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!

A priest and a nun are on their way home from a convention when suddenly, their car dies.

The priest says to the nun “Well Sister, I’m afraid we are going to have to go to a hotel for the night.”

The nun just smiles, and says ” OK, Father.”

They arrive at the hotel to find that there is only one room available. The priest says ‘Well Sister, I’m afraid we are going to have to share a room. I’m sure that under the circumstances, God won’t mind. You sleep in the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch.”

The nun just smiles and says ” OK, Father.”

They check into the room and prepare for bed, the priest on the couch, and the nun in the bed. The priest turns out the lights and goes to sleep.

Ten minutes later the nun says “Father, I’m cold.”

The priest says “OK Sister, I’ll get you an extra blanket.” He gets her a blanket and goes back to sleep.

Ten minutes later, the nun says “Father, I’m STILL cold.” So the priest gets up, gets her another blanket, and goes back to sleep again.

Ten minutes later, the nun says “Father, I’m VERY cold. You don’t suppose that, under the circumstances, God would mind if we acted like husband and wife for just one night?”

The priest answered, ” No. I don’t suppose he would – GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!”

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Things You Learn as You “Mature”

· I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

· I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

· I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

· I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

· I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

· I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

· I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

· I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money
to take its place.

· I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

· I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

· I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

· I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

· I’ve learned to say “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.

Famous Churches Around the World

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call”. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. “O.K., thank you,” said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000 per call” sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He traveled through many towns, cities, and rural villages, again and again there were the same golden telephones, but this time the sign under them read “10 cents per call.”

The American was surprised so he asked a priest about the signs. “Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “Look around you. Mountains, lakes, and wide open spaces. Clean air, clean water, and pastures green. You’re in Canada now Son………… it’s a local call”.

Compare Other Professionals To Engineers When Choosing A Mate

=> DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t
expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll
run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women
patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck
with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer
husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll
ever meet another woman in his profession.


=> LAWYER
Do
You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who
gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your
Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie
convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the
divorce happens you will get nothing.


=> SALESMAN
See
honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade
shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy
individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up
on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works
at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to
go home to you.


=> HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE
OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he
is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back
injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only
hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by
staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some
benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since
you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you,
because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you
looking at her?", he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see
her.


=> TEACHER
The only reason he entered this
profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent
girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to
look for another man.

Elephant Show

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw
a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at
person and tell that person’s age. The Irishman was very skeptical and
said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a
small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.

"Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The
Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The
man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each
time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The
Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the
man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant
could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the
wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around,
raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn’t believe, turned back
around and stomped his foot twice.

Where upon the Irishman
stumbled back, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice he cried, "Be
gabbers, He’s right… Farty-two!"

Preacher leaving

The Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the
congregation — no one wanted him to leave.

Soren, who owns
several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the
Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every two years,
and his wife with a Chevy minivan to transport their children!"

The
congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Not to be outdone, his
brother Magnus, who owns several rental houses in town, stands and
says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I’ll let him and his family
stay rent free in one of my rental houses, right down the block!"

More sighs and loud applause. Lena, now age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence until finally the Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Lena, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Lena’s
90-year-old husband, Ole, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead
with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side. Lena
smiles broadly and replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said, ‘Screw the preacher!’"